What That Billboard Taught Me About Real Men

March 26, 2017 / caffeinatedrage
The Consitution gives us Americans the right of freedom of speech.

And that means we can advertise on billboards.

Apparently that billboard on I-40 between Winston-Salem and K-Vegas is experiencing the most testosterone-driven liberty America has to offer, but it is coming at a cost.

No. I do not mean it is driving a wedge between us as a nation. That was already there.

But it is showing us that real men do not have a need for better schooling in grammar and logic as well as in maintaining identity. Real men are above that.

Here is the latest billboard.

coupons

So, “Real Men Don’t Use Coupons Our coupons have pictures of dead Presidents and Statesman, and are good anytime anyplace.”

So we have a run-on sentence that contradicts itself by utilizing something that the speaker claims to not use (coupons) and erroneously capitalizes titles without proper names behind the then fails to pluralize an object of a preposition to keep accuracy then inserts a comma where it is not needed then does not separate two adverbs with a comma that modify the same adjective.

That’s about as grammatically correct as… the last billboard.

If you have kept up with the saga of the “Real Men” billboards, then you know that the owner of the billboard rental business, Bill Whiteheart, would not identify the people responsible for the first two installments which were:

“Real men provide. Real women appreciate it.”

“Much Ado About Nothing. A social experiment that brought forth those so immersed in their own insecurity that in the mirror they could only see an angry victim of their incorrect interpretation of a silly billboard — Bless their hearts.”

This blog had posts on both of those billboards-

Real Men Don’t Use Billboards To Tell Any Woman What They Should Do

Shakespeare and “That” Billboard

But according to the Winston-Salem Journal article on this particular billboard, this renter of this message has no problem whatsoever in identifying himself (http://www.journalnow.com/news/local/man-takes-credit-for-puzzling-new-business-billboard/article_013de4a9-5a95-55f2-b084-0dbe5093f679.html#comments).

The billboard also lists a website, which identifies Mitch Carr, an auto mechanic from Kensington, Md., as the man behind the billboard.

The website says Carr, who runs a Mercedes Repair business outside of Washington, D.C., enjoys challenging political views and is “politically in the center but believes that people with running water, heat, air conditioning and full bellies shouldn’t whine so much.”

You need to see that website. In fact here it is. It’s called hoohabook.com.

hoohabook

He’s a bit of a writer! The word “hooha” as part of the website’s name? Intriguing!

You might want to look at an excerpt of the book he is promoting on the billboard. He has one on the website – http://hoohabook.com/excerpts-real-men-dont-use-coupons/.

I probably would not use some of these on a first date, but I am not a real man according to this man’s definition as I am a monogamist male in a relationship with a lady who is a hell of a lot smarter than I am who also happens to be the mother of our children and my best friend.

You do what you want.

It’s America. I am allowed to be that. So are you.

He says he wrote that book referred to on the billboard to raise money for what seems like a worthwhile cause. He just does it in an Andrew Dice Clay fashion maybe?

And of course, I am actually giving him advertising by writing about him. America!

But this is what caught my eye. On the “About the Author” page of hooha.com he states,

“Author E.M. Carr is better known to friends and family as Mitch Carr and is an auto mechanic from Kensington Maryland.

His other endeavors include two music CDs where he is the songwriter and producer, and two Novels written under the pen name of Rhett Dawn Home.

Not only is he a writer. He has a pen name that he writes under.

Pen name of Rhett Dawn? What? And he has a web site for that name as well? That’s the website he should be advertising on the billboard here in North Carolina.

Hell yes, I went there.

rhett dawn

If you want to read some excerpts, then read the excerpts from that website. Here – http://www.rhettdawn.com/excerpts-congressmans-wife/.

Oh, hell. I’ll save you the time.

We smiled at each other and I realized my hand was now completely over hers, stroking her hair line as her hand rested against her cheek. She looked up at me and there were those eyes again. There was something in there and I wanted to know more. Here I was with a woman I had spent less than an hour with and knew nothing about, who was opening herself up to me for no reason other than I was a nice person who helped her get her car started.
It seemed crazy, but I wasn’t leaving………

“One last kiss.”
“Here?”
“Here and now!”
“Okay,” she conceded.
I walked her off the edge of the path and up against a very large oak tree. I lifted her arms above her head and kissed her deep. At nearly six feet tall, I towered over her slender figure. I held her arms up by the wrist with her arms supported by my inner elbows and suckled her tongue as she surrendered to my masculinity. I moved my hands down her arms to her cheeks and held her head in my hands as I continued for at least another minute. Her eyes were closed and she kept her arms raised above her head. Her body was resting against the tree and I hoped it was because she was weak in the knees……..

I turned for the door and in an instant the other two were up and across the room with one between me and the door, and the other close enough that he could get in a solid punch if need be. I turned back around and said nothing. I assumed he wasn’t there for confirmation, but for some sort of retribution. I had imagined what I would say if ever confronted, but I realized I was just doing that with the belief that it would never happen, because I couldn’t think of anything to do but let things play out. He looked at me and said, “What, no denial? No excuse? Not even a Sir Galahad taking the blame to protect his lover?”

Move over Cormac McCarthy. Move over Philip Roth. You are both pansies. Thank God Kurt Vonnegut is dead. He was not man enough to write prose like this.

And yes, there is even a chance to get these books on Amazon where you can read about the author Rhett Dawn. But alas…

“The author has chosen to remain mildly discreet for now, but suffice to say he is local to Montgomery County and some names were changed to protect the innocent.”

It’s like Rhett has chosen to remain aloof like the people behind the first two billboards.

One would need to read the rest of the Journal’s story to get a little more understanding of Mr. Carr’s reasoning of why he took out the advertising billboard two states away from his home.

He said he drove by the original sign, posted in February, that declared: “Real men provide. Real women appreciate it.”

It was later replaced with: “Much Ado About Nothing. A social experiment that brought forth those so immersed in their own insecurity that in the mirror they could only see an angry victim of their incorrect interpretation of a silly billboard — Bless their hearts.”

Carr said the messages inspired him.

“Real men are sort of a dying breed in this country,” he said. “I consider myself one. You know one when you see one.”

The new message is intended to start a dialogue on what it means to be a “real man,” Carr contends.

“What it means is it’s a knock on men who dropped out of the ranks just because life got easy,” Carr said while explaining the new billboard.

“Just because the war stops doesn’t mean a soldier stops training. We need more real men out there.”

And Mr. Carr’s inspiration has inspired me to list all of the things that I have learned about being a real man from the very billboard that, lo, resides so close to me.

Real men use bad grammar because real men know what they really mean.
Real men are inspired by real billboards.
Real men provide real billboards that women can appreciate.
Real men don’t use coupons that allow them to save more of the coupons that they really use.(I know. It’s confusing).
Real men do social experiments.
Real men make Shakespearean references that don’t make sense to people who actually studied Shakespeare but may not be real men.
Real men bless people’s hearts.
Real men only use coupons that have dead white guys on them so while there may be an expiration date on coupons that many people use, real men use real coupons that have expired people on them.
Real men self promote on billboards books that are self-published.
Real men use pen names that seem generated by a William Faulkner adult entertainment computer program.
Real men are a dying breed. Everyone else lives forever.
Real men talk about how they are real men to, you know, stir the pot and start a dialogue.
Mr. Carr can say anything he wants.

He can spend his 2600$ with Mr. Whiteheart for a month’s worth of space and help the local economy.

He can advertise all he wants. Hell, I have done it for him with a lot of fun and glee I might add.

But he did say “people with running water, heat, air conditioning and full bellies shouldn’t whine so much.”

Whether he believes it or not (and I could give exactly zero f***s), the same freedom that allows him to rent that billboard in a state he does not even reside in and whine about what he thinks real men should do allows me to complain and whine as much as I want about anything I want.

America!